Oh, I almost died of starvation and food poisoning by my own hand and I discovered what can possibly be the most amazing thing in the world – but noooo, his puny operation is much more important. Thanks
Out of lighter fluid for the grill? – use gasoline!
Police interrogation for a crime you committed? – you can talk your way out of it, just improvise!
Reddit down? – use google+
Reddit was down – can still chase my tail to amuse myself at the office
Said happy birthday – before it was cool
Sorry – you do not have enough tokens to DJ
Steve jobs resigns – I kill myself
There are 2 kinds of people who snore – I hat both of them
Thought I found an assload of quarters – chuck e cheese tokens